Gift of the Gab with Belal Elkadri: Discussing Suicide, Suicidal Ideation and Substance Abuse

Shehla Faizi: Trigger warning. This episode discusses substance abuse, suicide, and suicidal ideation. Listener discretion is advised. 

[crosstalk] 

Which Muslim travels post 9/11 without their passport? 

[intro]

Shehla Faizi: I'm A Muslim (And That's Okay!) presents Gift of the Gab, because everybody's got something to say. 

[background conversation] 

[pensive music]

Shehla Faizi: Hi, everyone. May peace be on you all, and welcome to another episode of I'm A Muslim (And That's Okay!). And I am back, and this is the very first Gift of the Gab of this season. I know y'all been having a whole lot of the Whole Muslim segments, but this is my Gift of the Gab, and I have with me, Belal Elkadri. You are a motivational speaker. How are you, brother Belal.

Belal Elkadri: Alhamdulillah, I'm doing great. Jazakallah khair for having me. I really appreciate you and may Allah bless you and all of your viewers. 

Shehla Faizi: Thank you so much. But the pleasure is all mine. The thing is, I was going through your bio, and you have worked with so many-- Like you're a motivational speaker. You wrote down, is that you want to empower communities, particularly religious communities. You work with the Family Youth Institute, CelebrateMercy, Muhsen, which is my personal favorite since it helps create spaces for Muslim individuals with disabilities in religious circles and even religious ceremony. I love them. And you've also worked for Sabr app, which for anybody who doesn't know, if you're into the meditation sphere. I'm personally not, but please don't follow me. No, not healthy. But for those who are into meditation, the Sabr app is more of a spiritual, Muslim guided meditation app. If you're ever interested in that, you can look it up in Android or the Apple Play Store. But you work with that as well. 

With all that, that's still not the reason why I have you here with me, brother Belal. We were having this discussion before. All the work you do is absolutely fantastic, but it comes from a place that is what a lot of people, especially in religious circles or even just in general, consider to be very dark places. Before I get into that, please tell us a little more about yourself, and how did you end up doing what you do? 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah, alhamdulillah, I've been doing lectures on khutbahs for about 10 years now. I was a former youth director for eight years. I worked with many organizations like you've said. Right now, alhamdulillah, I grew as a public speaker. So, I had to step away from my youth director role. But I worked with Noor Kids, CelebrateMercy, as you mentioned, ACCESS as a mental health coordinator Helping Hand. So, alhamdulillah, I think where I'm at today has a lot to do with my past. I've only been a practicing Muslim for about 11 years. I'm 33 years young, [Shehla laughs] and I've been a practicing Muslim-- 

Shehla Faizi: Still much younger than I am, brother Belal. Trust me. You all got at least 10 years, 11 years. I meet everybody and you're like, “Dang it, I'm so old. It's ridiculous.” 

Belal Elkadri: Oh, you're only as old as you feel. I feel a little bit older now with three kids, but alhamdulillah, I mean-- [crosstalk] 

Shehla Faizi: It will do that to you. [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. I got some gray hair over here because of this past year. Alhamdulillah, I've been a practicing Muslim since I was 21. I think in terms of where I got here, I've always had a motto to want to help people. My biggest thing that fills my heart and fills my cup is to know that I was a part of someone's success. I've always been second place, and I've always wanted to see others become first place. I think with me, when I really embrace the religion of Islam, a lot of the work that I've done is in the nonprofit. All of it is in the nonprofit. 

Shehla Faizi: Right. 

Belal Elkadri: My biggest thing is that the Prophet Muhammad, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, He said, “Whoever helps remove a barrier for someone in this life, that Allah will remove a barrier for them in the next.” So, I think whatever my life was before versus now, it's always been that same motto to help other people. I think now, it's religiously driven, which I think helps me cope with my past, because looking back at my past now, which we'll talk about, it helped me come to terms with who I am today. But I think also it helped me help others because I went through a lot of dark places in my past. I think that Allah took me down that route to really not just to break me to build me and to know that He is the only one that can repair my heart, but also to use the personal experiences which unfortunately there's a big disconnect with imams that come from overseas, and religious leaders that are disconnected with a lot of the youth, and a lot of the things that are plaguing the community. So, that's a little bit about me and how I got where I am today. 

Shehla Faizi: Right. I'm going to latch on to the fact that you had mentioned that you have been practicing Muslim for 11 years. This is not a judgment by any means, but there's a particular, I would say, truth in that in a sense that you come from Middle Eastern background. Generally, what I am, born Muslim, and what we define it as is that you come from Muslim family and the assumption is, you are Muslim by default. And so, I would imagine that that is the sort of the background that you came from. For all the people who heard the trigger warning and saw the trigger warning before, this is where your story began that you do come from a Muslim background, but there is definitely a difference from somebody who is family Muslim, much like myself, as opposed to someone who really then goes into practicing faith as a form of guidance for them. 

For you, unfortunately, it was not that simple a path. Why I have you here in my Gift of the Gab, where I discuss a lot of difficult subjects is because as we had discussed earlier, you had struggled with substance abuse and even attempted suicide. And that's why I have you here, because it is something especially in religious circles. I'm not even confining it to Muslim religious circles, any religious circles, there's a huge, monumental taboo that exists around it. Even socially, you could see it as taboo, but especially within religious circles, huge taboo around it. If you could go back, as far back as you wish, as to your youth and how that happened for you.

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. You mentioned coming from a Middle Eastern background. So, my dad came from overseas. My mother, she was born here and raised there in America. Her side of the family are all here in the States and Michigan, and they're very Americanized. So, I went to Christmas parties, Halloween parties, I went trick or treating, all that stuff. My dad, his families, they're overseas, they're in Canada. So, my father, who worked full time. When I would get home from school, he would be going, leaving to work. So, I really didn't have that upbringing in terms of being proud about being Arab or being a Muslim and really have that hands on. I was the youngest of four. My mother was working as well. I would say I was Americanized growing up. You mentioned being born a Muslim, even though I was born a Muslim, Islam, it's not just a label. It's something that you live by. It's something that you do.

Shehla Faizi: Again, but the point is, unfortunately, you grew up in the US. I can argue a lot of people who grew up in Muslim countries that exist in Muslim families-- I'm talking about myself as well. We're default Muslims. We're like, “Oh, you got to pray five times a day. How sincere about it? You got to read the Quran. How much of you understand it?” All of it is really secondary. Really. So, that's what it is. When you come from a default any religious background, you're like, “How much is it sinking in?”

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. And for me, when I look back, I know a lot of kids that I've spoken with that were all up in that Arabic school, Quran memorization, all of that, and they've taken off their hijab or they were memorizing the entire Quran and they're just like they're doing all of these bad things. The biggest reason when parents say, “I need you to talk to my kid,” is that the biggest thing is that they never found a love for the religion of Islam. It was just something that they were born in. For me, I rediscovered Islam. I don't want to compare myself to companions, but the way that I feel like I fell in love with Islam is even though I was born a Muslim and I wasn't a practicing Muslim for a large part of my life. I rediscovered the faith that a lot of people do when they have a spiritual epiphany. 

For me, my story really begins, I would say it when I was about seven years old. When I was seven years old, I hated Arabic school. I wanted to watch Nickelodeon on Saturday and Sunday. I wanted to watch Hey Arnold and Rugrats and all those good shows. I just wanted to be a kid. I didn't find any need to go to Arabic school. I remember even to this day, there's students that were six years old, there were kids that still come up to me, “Bro, you're Belal, the one that used to make airplanes at masjid [unintelligible [00:10:46].” 

Shehla Faizi: [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: They had this three-quarter wall. I would always make airplanes and just throw them over the wall, and it would go into the other class at the masjid.

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: I would bring my wrestling figures and my wrestling magazines. I was in the six-year-old class till I was about eight years old. I was in there for a couple of years. I was in there with little kids that were learning Qul: hu Allahu Ahad. I just kept giving-- [crosstalk] 

Shehla Faizi: The very basics. Yeah.

Belal Elkadri: Very basic. It got to the point where as an eight-year-old like, with my parents, every single day, I'm like, “Take me out of the school. You guys are wasting your money.”

Shehla Faizi: Yeah. [giggles] 

Belal Elkadri: It got to the point where the principal would call my mom and dad and be like, “Listen, this guy's just disruptive again. He brought a wrestling magazine, Stone Cold Steve Austin magazine.”

Shehla Faizi: [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: I got it confiscated in Arabic school, and they took me out. Allah says in the Quran that, “Whoever turns away from God's remembrance will have a life that is depressed.” I start my story there because I truly believe that we think like we know everything. Prophet Noah, his son as you know, “I don't have to listen to you as a son. I'm just going to climb this wall, and I'll be saved from the flood,” which was far from it. It shows us that our parents have generally a good interest of trying to protect us from wrong. We don't see that as a young. We just want to be rebellious and our parents say, “Left, go right.” But in that state, when I was six years, seven years, eight years, I was bullied a lot. Even up until I was 16, I was bullied a lot, picked on, had low self-esteem, no friends. I was peer pressured to a lot of bad stuff that the popular kids would be like, “Hey, why don't you do this?” I had a mindset that was like, “Whatever you say, I want to fit in. I want to be cool. I want to be like you all.”

Shehla Faizi: But that's such a natural thing. Like, when you said making paper airplanes in Arabic class, I can imagine-- Even my own kids doing the same thing. This is a very natural circumstance, whether you exist, it doesn't matter where you exist. It is important to see that children are as children. Even though our parents are well intentioned, there is a certain, I would say, a need for parents to be involved in all of these things as well, because then what do kids model off of? 

Belal Elkadri: Exactly. It's one thing to say you're going to Arabic school because it's just something that you need to do versus someone-- [crosstalk] 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: This is the reason why. Prophet Yusuf, when he goes to his father and says, “I had this dream.” His father, Prophet Yaqub, Jacob, he doesn't say, “I don't have time for your dream.” He listens to the dream. And then when he replies to Yusuf, he says, “Don't share this with your brothers because of this reason.” Most parents will say, “Stop that. Don't touch that.” But they won't really give the reason why. 

Shehla Faizi: Why?

Belal Elkadri: So, kids will all be like, “Well, I'm curious. I want to know what's going to happen.” So, like you said, modeling, it's one thing to just go through my phone and scroll through my phone and tell my kids, “Go play. Go find something else to do other than play with your screen timer, watch TV,” when they see baba and mama playing with their phone. 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: I think had my family told me the reason-- my thing was, “Why do I need this?” If they had told me why, I probably would have still made paper airplanes. But I probably would have taken it more seriously knowing that this is a foundational step to my future. 

Shehla Faizi: Right. I think that's where a lot of parents-- Again, please, no disrespect to your parents. It's just that where we as parents-- I'm parent too, okay? I got two young buggers. You're a parent too right now, and that's the thing. We do have this tendency to become so caught up in everything. I know a lot of parents’ struggles. You do sometimes have to work long hours. Both parents have to work, especially in this economy. Literally, you can't get nothing with just a single income. But that's the thing. 

I think what as parents, we miss is that just sending your kids to Arabic school, or like in my case, sending them to Islamic school is not enough. If we can't model good behavior, they could be learning that lying is bad, but still be lying, or disrespecting your elders is bad and still disrespect their elders because that's what they've seen their grownups do. Follow the rules, but are not following the rules because, “Hey, let's jaywalk if we wish to” sort of situation because they see their parents doing it. 

So, it is a thing that as parents, we need to-- Even whatever little time we have. I think I was reading somewhere, even having 15 minutes of really one on one time with your kids is foundational every single day. If we can't take 15 minutes out for our kids, we're doing something wrong. 

Belal Elkadri: 100% agree. It's great that you're putting your kids in every single day, they're in soccer, jujitsu, and whatever, blah, blah, blah. But when they come over to you after the practice and you were scrolling the whole time, and every time they'd look over, you're not paying attention to them or you say, “Hey, great job. I saw that you did this and you don't do those things,” then it gets to the point, “Well, I'm figuring it out myself. Why do I need my parents?” 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: Then they start hiding stuff. Then when you only go to your parents and they get mad at you for every little thing, “Why, why, why? You're like, “I'm going to start hiding stuff from my parents because every time I come to them, they're always giving me that they're mad or disappointed in me. So, if I mess up something that I think—" That's what happened to me where I never wanted to go to my mother or father with my problems because I felt like if I did, I'd just get, “Go to your room. You're getting your phone taken away. You're going to get that video game taken away.” 

I knew that that would probably be the repercussions, but I know now, after I had opened up to my mom about a lot of the stuff that I went through, she was so understanding that she was literally the one person I was trying to hide things from. She was the only one that actually was there for me. We'll talk about this in a moment, but I became very popular. And then overnight, I lost all my friends. My mom, since the day I was born, till now, as a 33-year-old man, has been my only consistent friend, my only constant in my life. My friends, those kids that were telling me what to do as a fifth grader, to steal the test or to do this, this, this, I don't even know what they're doing. I don't even remember their names. 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: But at that moment in life, they're the biggest things in the world. I need to impress my friends. You realize that your only friend are your parents. 

Shehla Faizi: But that's the thing. It is such a natural thing. I got a newly, teenager, 13-year-old, they know everything in life, and their friends are everything, and parents don't know nothing. It happens with that age. You want to be just like them because they're your peers, and you feel all new and all grown up. So, with that in mind, I would like you to delve into, again, as much as you're comfortable with, about what happened that how did that steadily progress into something that nearly wrecked you? 

Belal Elkadri: So, I was always a chubby kid growing up. When I was about 16, I had a weird summer, puberty kicked in or something. I don't know what it was, but I lost a lot of weight. I started taking care of my appearance. My dad wasn't just cutting my hair in the basement anymore. 

Shehla Faizi: [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: I was getting like [crosstalk] that. It wasn't just like buzz cut all zero all around. 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: I started actually caring about my appearance. I care about how I dress. I was very careful, and I wanted to feel good. I remember when I was 16 and I'm sure you know this because we're in that old bunch,-

Shehla Faizi: Oh, yeah.

Belal Elkadri: -I made a MySpace one summer. 

Shehla Faizi: Oh, wow. There's a memory right there. [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: Right. The memory. Flashback.

Shehla Faizi: Yeah.

Belal Elkadri: So, before this when I'm saying my middle school years, I was picked on a lot. I was isolated. I had friends, but it wasn't enough. I wanted to be with the cool kids. I always tried to do stupid stuff just to impress them only to get a phone call from the principal’s to my mom's house saying, “Your son did this.” So, anyways, I think I was like 15. It was like my summer year, I was going into 16-year-old. I made a MySpace, and I remember this girl DMed me. She slid into the DMs and was like, “Hey, you're attractive. You're a cute kid.” It was the first time in my life I had anyone ever notice me. I fell in love. I'm like, “I'm going to marry this girl,” and blah, blah, blah. It just felt good being noticed. 

Shehla Faizi: Yeah. 

Belal Elkadri: From there, I started just being this fake person that I built this persona for me. I wasn't Belal anymore. I turned into Billy. 

Shehla Faizi: Wow.

Belal Elkadri: I had everyone called me Billy. I started a job at 16. Billy was this energetic, enthusiastic person that would say and do whatever he needed to get a reaction from you. So, I would do silly stuff. I would do out of the world stuff just to get attention and just to get a reaction, like, just to get someone to react to something, like, I made someone happy, or I made someone laugh, or whatever it was. Or, I made someone feel good, like I did something great for them. I tried to fill this self-esteem void in my heart with other people's reactions aside from mine. 

So, when I was 16 years, 17 years, 18 years, I got really popular. The friends that I had were still the nerds that are like engineers and doctors now, but I also had friends that were just now are either in jail, still living with their mom, not that there's anything wrong with that, but have no ambitions to go through life. I had friends that I used to have that are dead in jail, just like nobodies. Looking back now, I'm like, “How could--?” It's normal to want to be attracted to those people that are cool at that time. 

Shehla Faizi: It’s the age, brother Belal. 

Belal Elkadri: It’s the age.

Shehla Faizi: It’s the age. There is no teenager in the history of teenaging-- You can go as far back as you want that does not want this. That's how it is. 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. So, all of that happened until I graduated and I was 18. Then I was still this fake person. When I was 18, I met this guy. We met through a mutual friend, and he's like, “Let's go to the gym.” He started getting me into these supplements. It wasn't just protein powders, it was like fat loss supplements. He talked about other stuff that like, “You need like a kidney--” It's a pill that flushes out your kidney after you take it because it was close to steroids. 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: But my thing was I wanted to lose weight. I got really, really jacked and skinny. I have old photos of me where my arms are like ripped and I lost a lot of weight. I got down to 169 pounds when I was 20 years old. So, in two years, I dropped a lot of weight. But what I did was for about a year, I was taking these fat loss pills. You're really only supposed to take three a day.

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: Before I had this spiritual epiphany, when I was 21, I was up to nine a day for like seven months. 

Shehla Faizi: Oh, wow.

Belal Elkadri: I was taking, I think it was like 900 milligrams of caffeine plus whatever. It was like 100 cups of coffee. 

Shehla Faizi: So, break it down for me. For somebody who has never really taken anything-- Again, this is not a judgment. But what was the desire to go from three pills to nine pills? In a way that the audience can understand that somebody who's young has this motivation, why would they go from something what is the recommended to exceeding it by three times? 

Belal Elkadri: I think for a few reasons. For me, I hit a weight loss stall. You're always supposed to like, after a few months, you're supposed to stop, let your body adjust, and then go back to whatever. So, even when you're dieting, once in a while to do a cheat meal is fine because your body gets used to the weight loss, so then you go into this stall mode where your body has just adjusted. So, I wasn't losing any weight. I'm like, “Okay.” I was literally eating lettuce with lemon on it, so literally zero calories and a little piece of chicken, and I would work out in the gym for an hour and a half. Then these pills, it made it way worse because my heart is racing, and there's stuff in it to really make you suppress your appetite and all of that. But I hit a plateau in my weight loss. 

The second thing was I needed more energy. I'm like, “Well, I hit this plateau, but, man, I like the way I feel.” So, I cranked it up to six pills, and then I'm like, “I need more energy and I cranked it up to nine pills.” It got to the point where these pills I was taking nine a day just to stay afloat. And thankfully, it didn't break to the point where now I need something more-

Shehla Faizi: Harder.

Belal Elkadri: -harder to fill, whatever. It got to nine pills and then I realized I'm buying three pills a month, three packs of these pills a month. 

Shehla Faizi: Month.

Belal Elkadri: I think they came in like 180 or 90 or 60, whatever. I was going through capsules. I look at my garbage, I'm like, “What am I doing?” This was when e-cigarettes first-- The reason I'm exposing all this is because I've had people come back to me after saying in a khutbah or lectures like, “You saved my life. I was about to end my life." But the fact that you went through it—" So, me exposing my sins, I'm not exposing them all. I'm exposing just enough to where people already knew about this. But if I can save a life, then it means a lot to me. 

Shehla Faizi: Here's the thing, brother Belal. The way I see it, I see all of these more as mistakes. Everybody, again, who's ever been a teenager who has a teenager needs to realize that this is a time, well, when your child or you yourself will make mistakes. They will do stupid things. Unfortunately, what we're trying to prevent is that for them to do something that could literally end them. You were on that path, but then you came to the realization. You were very lucky for that, because the way I'm seeing this is that you're basically eating nothing, and all you're consuming are the pills and caffeine to keep you afloat for a motivation at that age, especially at that age, is that you wanted to maintain a persona, basically. 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. 

Shehla Faizi: Again, this is one of those things that will happen at that age.

Belal Elkadri: 100%. I think what got me through a lot of the coping of, “I can't believe I did this, I'm the worst of the worst” is that, Allah says in the Quran that He'll replace your bad deeds with good deeds. Allah being so merciful. Mistakes are going to happen. When I was this entire time from 16 to 21, I would yell at my mom and make her cry and not feel any regret or remorse. It would be something that it would fill my tea. It would fill my heart to get to the point where I pushed my mom to tears. Literally all the anger of whatever happened, it wasn't just nine pills a day. I was hanging with the wrong crowd. I was doing anything that the youth do that you can imagine that they do, I was doing. 

The worst thing on top of it is I was hurting my mom in the process. Forgive me, I was hurting my mom in the process. But everything was fixable, and that's where the tipping point was. So, what ended up happening was I was dating this girl for a year. I remember that I lost all my friends. I was 21, I lost all my friends. Every friend that I had was gone. I was a very sweet kid. I still am. I still do this, but I'm very emotional, very vulnerable. I share my emotions a lot. So, this girl, I was like 20 at the time, 21. She broke up with me after a year, and she said, “You're just too nice for me. You're too nice of a guy. I need someone that's controlling, that tells me what to do. I need a little bit of a jerk.” 

I was very taken back by that, but I had no one to talk to about that. So, what ended up happening was I actually stopped taking those pills. I told my mom about them, and I'm like, “Listen, I'm taking these pills, and I'm losing a lot of weight,” because she's like, “Why aren't you eating my food?” 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: So, I came clean about it. I thought I was like, she was going to disown me. It wasn't the case. She said, “We'll stop taking them. We're going to figure it out.”

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: That meant so much to me. But as soon as I stopped taking them, withdrawals were taking in. There were times where I was so depressed, so distant, so isolated. I remember I was a completely different person. I went to Billy, this enthusiastic kid to that six-year-old Belal. When that girl broke my heart, on top of the withdrawals, I had two people die in my family in a week, and all of this happened in a week. So, I got off the pills, I was suffering through withdrawals, the girl broke up with me, two people died in my family. 

I had just bought a car, and then I was in the process of buying a house. So, I was in financial burden already. And then I was about to lose my job that I had since I was 16. So, six-year-old job that I was having. I was failing a lot of classes, and I had a lot of pressure, and I attempted suicide twice towards the end of that. I remember to this day, I was always fake, I was never real with myself. I never knew who the real Belal was. I lost him. I remember the first time I attempted it, I was like, “What the heck am I doing? It's not me to hold what I'm holding in my hand or to do what I'm about to do, this is not who I am. This is not Belal. This is not Billy. This is weird.”

The second time that I attempted it, I felt the same thing. I'm like, “This is not who I am.” I'm trying to run away from this person that I'm not and I'm trying to fill it with someone that I'm not. I remember the third time I was driving home, and I was just filling voids of emptiness. I remember I did something wrong that I shouldn't have done. And as I'm driving, I bought this thing, when I bought the car. I'll never forget the moment, but I was on the way. There were little moments of Islam that popped in my heart. I remember someone shared this Boonaa Mohammed, spoken word artist thing on my Facebook page. I can't even remember who it was, but that was my first exposure to Islam. I'm just like, “Wow.” I liked music a lot. And I was like, “Wow. Who's Abu Bakr? Who are these people that he's talking about?” I was very intrigued by it, but I didn't think anything of it. 

So, I bought this Quran. It was a Quran hanger that I put on my rear-view mirror. I remember looking at it the whole ride that I was driving home in the middle of the night. There were a few dark spots that happened with my parents. I remember yelling at my mom. For the first time in my life, I did this to my dad, and I walked out of the house for the first time in my life. This was before I bought a car. There’s an argument about me wanting to buy a car. And she’s like, “No. It’s just gas money. You are just going from A to B.” I'm like, “No, I want a car, I want put tints on it. I want black on black, like there's sunroof, heated seats and you are letting me and you are depriving me from that. I'm old enough to make that decision.”

I was in my car, think about it, this car didn’t fulfill anything. I was on my way to in my life and this was like a full proof, there’s no way coming back out of that. I had already known in my mind I had plan. Now, looking back on my life, I always want to be a teacher. I got sucked into the nonprofit world, because I couldn’t graduate with my teaching degree. I was a mental health coordinator for almost a decade. The pathway that God takes you on, when you look back now, you are like, “I see the plan.” 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: So, I was staring at this Quran hanger till I got home. It was like 10 minutes, 15 minutes, I was staring at it. It was raining, it was dark, it was like Isha time. I was in my room crying and I remember it to this day, I'll never forget this moment in my life. I revisit it every time, I remember doing a khutbah, and I hear the adhan, I remember this moment. I was on my bed. I remember my blanket was bluish and burgundy plaid. I was on my bed, middle of the night, I hear the rain padding on the window and I am about to end my life. I started to just cry. Like cry-cry. Like everything in my heart is coming out. Every pain that, all the pressure that I got hit with. I heard my father, my father, he's a board member of a masjid, so just put things in perspective. 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: It doesn't matter. I know a lot of kids that have that their fathers are sheikhs and imams that they're [crosstalk] not painting a picture of it, but anyway. 

Shehla Faizi: Yeah. 

Belal Elkadri: So, I'm laying in my bed in a fetal position, crying my eyes out like a baby. I heard my father below me giving the iqama to pray asr. I think he says, “Hayya Alal Salah, Hayya Alal Falah.” “Come to pray, come to success.” 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: For the first time in my life, I raised my hands to God and I said, “Oh, Allah, just guide me. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this fake person. I promise, I promise, I will do whatever it takes to worship You. Just show me the way out.” I remember as soon as I was making that dua, something in my heart just released. I remember just feeling all the built-up emotions of this fake Belal that I created, everything left me. I remember just feeling this all this pain off my shoulders and I remember crying to the point where I couldn't breathe no more.

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: I was hyperventilating. I kept saying just, “Oh, Allah, guide me.” Oh, man-- [crosstalk] 

Shehla Faizi: It's okay if you wish to take a moment, brother. 

Belal Elkadri: No. [pause] I remember just that next day, I woke up for Fajr for the first time in my life. I wrote down how to pray. [chuckles] Like, I knew basic stuff, but certain stuff, I didn't know how to do. I had a bad relationship with my parents. So, I went to my dad and I said, “Can you tell me about the story of Adam?” His face lit up. And then when he started to pray, he was like, “Oh, it's time to pray. Do you mind if I pray by you?” His face just lit up. I remember just after that like just reading Quran, I'd watched Islamic lectures online. There were a lot of things that came in my life after that. The girl that broke my heart came back into my life and was like, “Hey, I want to--" I remember to this day, she's texting me like, “Hey, what are you doing?” And I'm like, “Nothing.” I haven't spoken to this girl in two months.

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: I'm in the ocean of Islam right now. I am falling in love with this religion, and everything is just filling my voids. I'm praying at night, I'm crying in my prayers. Nothing matters.

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: Then all of a sudden, my bad friends want to come back in my life that I haven't spoken with. Like, “Where were you when I was at my lowest?” The best thing was, in my lowest point in life, I found Allah the most high. And that was my friend. Allah was my Friend. I remember to this day, this girl texted me like, “What are you doing? I want to just see you.” I have class at 2 o’clock or 1 o’clock, can I just see you real quick?” I'm googling Islam Q&A, what's the ruling of hugging a woman and all of this stuff. 

Shehla Faizi: [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: I'm panicking, and I'm rethinking my life right now. 

Shehla Faizi: Right.

Belal Elkadri: I get there, and it's like getting hit in the head with your needle. So, I get there. She starts class in one minute and I remember it literally felt like an hour. I just stood there like a stick. She went in for a hug, and I just had my arms like this. She hugged me, and she walked in her class. She said, “I want to get back together.” As soon as I got in my car, I called AT&T and I changed my phone number. I blocked her off Facebook, every social media. Facebook at the time, MySpace went away.

Shehla Faizi: Right. [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: I realized that I'm running away from this Billy. I'm running away from this persona. I'm running away from being fake. I want to be me for once. I repaired the relationship with my mom. It took about 10 years. Even to this day, I have moments where once a year, maybe I'll get a little bit upset. The old me would come out it, but it took 10 years. I would call my mom and she'd be like, “Why are you calling me?” And I'm like, “Mom, I just want to call you because I want to be a good son.” It took it to the point where now it's like, “Why didn't you call me today?” It took a good amount of years to fix that relationship with her that I had broke for a very long time. But it wasn't until a year into praying, I was sitting down, listening to an imam. Very old guy, I never told him this story, but I told him that he was the reason why I wanted to do khutbahs. 

I'm listening to this guy's khutbah, I'm like, “Oh, my. What is this guy?” He's talking about four or five different topics. I just couldn't connect with the guy. I just started being a youth director for like six months. I told my dad, I'm like, “I want to do a khutbah.” So, he put me in touch with the imam, and he took me under his wing. My very first khutbah was about being respectful to the parents because that was my biggest struggle. That was the biggest thing that-- I could block people, but I have to go home with my parents. I have to live with them. So, that was my first khutbah that I gave. 

I remember after that khutbah, there was a line. Nobody knew who I was. I was just a nobody. There was a line of people that were telling me how relatable every single thing was. I think my fourth khutbah that I gave was about depression, and I was very vulnerable. A lot of older people came up to me and was like, “This is not going in on our community.” And then kids came up to me and was like, “I'm going through the same thing. Can we talk?” And then I knew, okay, everything that I went through in my past was for a reason. That Belal that was making airplanes as a seven-year-old, eight-year-old kid that wanted to get out this path that God took me on is for a reason. 

Maybe I'll talk a little bit more about this, but over the past 10 years, Alhamdulillah, I've saved people from doing things that I was going to do, suicide or whatever it was, substance abuse, bad decisions, meth, cocaine. The only reason that I think that I was able to do that was because of my past. 

Shehla Faizi: If I could pause for just a moment and this is because, again, when it comes to religious communities, it is, again, such a heavy taboo. If you could talk to any youth, it doesn't have to be a Muslim youth, any youth, per se, what would you tell them about why is it not a good idea to have a fake Billy? I'm putting “fake Billy” in a sense that that's what they want to be. Everybody wants to be cool. Everybody wants to be accepted. So, what's so bad about fake Billy, okay? I'm not going to do diet pills. I'm going to get to that later, because, again, that's an interesting aspect of it. I'm not going to do diet pill, but I can be fake Shehla. Let's pretend she's cool, or she was cool at any given age, but why shouldn't I do that? It gets me popular. It gets me the chicks. That's how it works. 

Belal Elkadri: It gets old very quickly. There's only so much fake you can do. My mom knew I was fake. She's like, “Who's this kid? Where's my son?” She would tell me, “Where's Belal? Where's my son? You're not my son. Where's my son?” It gets old very quickly being someone that's fake or lying to yourself, and you're torn between who you really are and who someone is trying to control. Look, I've had people that I have-- I remember when I was a 9th grader, this kid drowned me into the pool in the deep end. I didn't know how to swim, and everyone was playing basketball on the shallow end. This kid, he was a big guy, and he took my head and put it under the water for a good minute. 

Shehla Faizi: Wow.

Belal Elkadri: No one would have known-- I was about to lose my life. I remember this kid thought it was a joke. He's like, [crosstalk] but nobody knew. And the teachers, everyone was on the other side. This kid, 10 years later, came up to me and was like-- It didn't phase his life. He desires his playful whatever, and he's like, “Salaam Alaikum,” and he's a new person. So, there's always who you are underneath you, and who you're always meant to be is always there. Being fake, it's hard because you're being fake to these people, they get out of your life. But at the end of the day, you have to sleep with who you are. When you're not comfortable with the skin that is protecting you and the body that you're in, whether it's your weight, whatever it is, it's very scary to be fake. It's very scary. You see people online that are like influencers, they live the most depressed life. They will say it too. 

Nothing will fill the void in their heart. No amount of money, none of that. It's not funny, but the Muslims during the time of the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was, they were of the weak and they were of the poor. It's mind boggling that those that were the richest that didn't accept Islam-- When they found Islam, their life flipped over. It brought them to a humble part. Being fake for 5 years, 6 years, 7 years, 8 years, 10 years, you outgrow your skin, and then you realize like, “This is not who I am.” You feel trapped, and you want to escape, and then you're like, “How do I escape? I stole ABCD stuff or I have these bad friends, and they're my network, they're my circle, they're peer pressuring me, but this is not who I am.” 

I'm not a person that puts an e-cigarette in my hand and cursing and listening to rap, and yelling. It gets old. The faster that you realize that that you have an identity beyond what other people perceive you- 

Shehla Faizi: Tell you.

Belal Elkadri: -or tell you who to be, you grow out of it quicker. I've seen people grow out of it at 16 years, 17 years. I've seen people today, 33-year-old, they're still acting like they're 18-year-old college students, still in the club. [crosstalk] 

Shehla Faizi: I would even take it further. There's a lot of old people being fake, okay? 

Belal Elkadri: Oh, yeah.

Shehla Faizi: [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: You don't grow out of that phase. I remember looking at my old friend, one of the bullies, he never graduated high school. He got a sales job or whatever is making millions of dollars. But he's like 40 years old. I'm not judging here, but he's 40-year-old and he's still acting like he's 18. He's tanning, he's taking steroids, drinking. I remember one kid came up to me and was like, “I'm ready to get married and have kids.” He's in his 30s and he's like, “I want a righteous wife,” blah, blah, blah. I'm like, “You're drinking alcohol last week, and you have to work on yourself first.” I'm not judging anyone, but when you grow out of that-- Sometimes it's like a switch and you're like, “I'm ready to change.” Sometimes there's people that can cold turkey cut drugs, but then it takes progress for some other people. And--[crosstalk]

Shehla Faizi: Yeah, in your experience as well as you had related that the second you had found your calling through God, all the old things came back as a temptation. It's not as easy as going cold turkey and anything. The same vein, I'm going to come back to your addiction to basically diet pills. It's not something that people really perceive of. When we're talking about addiction or drugs, you got meth, cocaine, all the street things, the street drugs. But this is something that's over the counter, literally. It's over the counter. That's what people like, especially parents don't realize. There's a lot of things in our house-- I just recently found out that cough syrup is one of them as well. Bath salts. You can definitely get addicted to abusing all of these things. Yeah, there are the everyday things that your child get into and it becomes a problem. 

Now, here's where this tricky bit comes in. When you confess to your mom-- I'm not saying that it was like all hunky dory, your mom was okay with it, but the fact is, she had the ear to listen and then be like, “I'm going to help you out of this.” There's not a lot of kids with parents who'd be like-- even if they came with something like you, especially for girls, there is this pressure to look a certain way if they came and said, “I have a problem. I think I'm addicted to diet pills.” They're not taken seriously or, B, they probably be locked up in their house forever. That's a thing. So, how can kids navigate this when they don't have parents that are willing to really take this and help their child with a solution? 

Belal Elkadri: It's hard not getting support, especially the ones close. Usually, the closest ones are the ones that hurt you the most. When you look at Prophet Joseph's story, when he's thrown in the well, he's thrown by his own brothers.

Shehla Faizi: Yeah.

Belal Elkadri: It's hard when you don't have support and you feel isolated. Every prophet was isolated. When you look at Prophet Yunus in the whale, Prophet Jonah, being in the whale, isolated. He had nobody. He turned to God. When you look at Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, he was in a cave all by himself reflecting on all the wrong he was doing. Yusuf was thrown in a well. Every prophet was in that moment of isolation, that reflection that God supports me, and I'm going to please Him. When parents don't support you going back to an addiction, anything can be an addiction if it's transgressed. 

Shehla Faizi: Oh, yeah. 

Belal Elkadri: Even food. Right now, I know a lot of people that have addictions to things that aren't like the typical drugs, “Oh, it's just food,” whatever. But when I told my mom-- I know people that did zina that had intercourse and their parents disowned them, threw them out of the house, where do you think they're going to go? Where do you think they're going to go? You kick them out of the house, now where do you think they're going to go? 

Shehla Faizi: What choice do they have? 

Belal Elkadri: What choice do they have? 

Shehla Faizi: Yeah.

Belal Elkadri: I think parents have to be more understanding. It's not a generation gap. It's same problems. It's just different [crosstalk] color.

Shehla Faizi: Different generations. 

Belal Elkadri: Different generations.

Shehla Faizi: Again, I'm 41 years old. All of this is not new. None of it is new. I grew up in Pakistan and you think it's a Muslim country, they didn't know. It's all there. My mother, as a social worker, used to fight against drug abuse. It was a thing then, and it's still a thing. So, none of this is new. But again, as parents, A, there's such a social stigma. What if they find out my child is addicted to A, B, C, D? It's a huge thing within communities. It's easier to throw your child out, and that's the worst thing that can put a come out of my mouth than to have to face people and be like, “Oh, your child is addicted to X, Y, and Z. What will the neighbors think?” sort of situation. So, yeah, how are we then coming together to really support kids who've made a mistake? Literally, it's a mistake that has been made because kids do stupid things. This is not new. 

Belal Elkadri: It's not. One thing that I tell parents constantly, when their kids are on drugs or when they're doing bad stuff, as I tell them the story of Yakub, when he's on his deathbed, he had all of his kids lie for him for-- some scholars say 70 years about what happened to his son, Yusuf. It wasn't until Yusuf forgave his brothers. His father had beautiful patience. When he was on his deathbed, all of his children are bearing witness that there's only one God. It shows us that sometimes it takes a patient parent. When you don't have that, it hurts. So, my advice would be that you always have a prayer to cry on. Sometimes you don't get good parents. 

Prophet Abraham had an abusive father, Azar. He's like, “Get out of here before I throw rocks at you. I'm not going to listen to you. Who are you to ask me this question over and over of what I worship?” Azar was abusive to Abraham. But when Abraham becomes an adult and he has kids of his own, he asks Ishmael, “I'm going to sacrifice you. What are your thoughts about that that God wants me to do that?” He wants to have a conversation with his child. It takes us as kids to, first off, know how to be a better parent than our parents were, not to be the exact same parent. 

Shehla Faizi: It’s hard, brother Belal. 

Belal Elkadri: It is hard. 

Shehla Faizi: Yeah. Here's the thing. That is where a lot of our damage comes from that there are parents out there that are literally rejecting their children for X, Y, Z reason. Because as parents, we don't know how to cope with this information that our child may have done drugs, or is addicted to something, or-- Maybe even something as simple as my child is the class bully. They just can't process it. A, they will deflect or, B, they will then be ridiculously harsh on the child. We're talking about somebody who's 16 years, 17 years, 18 years old. They don't have the real full capacity to take the mature step of, “I'm going to stop and think and reevaluate my life.” That's the other thing. 

There is a general expectation that even if you don't have supportive parents that you still keep connection with toxic parents. It's a there. It's an expectation, even when your parents are absolutely terrible for your existence. So, I think in that sense, we need a better support system for these poor kids who, yeah, they've made a mistake, but they still should not be thrown into the wilderness sort of situation. 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. I think the more that we normalize things, the better it gets, because every household has an issue-- 

Shehla Faizi: Without question. 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. One thing I will suggest, if anyone don't feel comfortable coming to their parents because they think that their parents-- I remember I was talking to one mom. She's like, “I need you to talk to my son. He's doing meth, coke. He moved to Florida with this girl and whatever. I know this stuff. He never told me. I wish he would tell me.” And then I'm talking to the kid and he's like, “Man, I just wish I can tell my mom, but she'd kill me.” I'm like, “No, bro, go tell your mom about it.” As soon as he opened up to the mom, the mom was like, “Come back to Michigan. We're going to make it all work out.” 

I think that it doesn't hurt to try. It's things that when your parents-- when you tell them and they're not supportive, what I usually do is listen. If you feel like you're in a rut and you need support and you're not getting it from your mom or dad after you've opened up and you've passed that barrier or that wall of, I think they're going to react like this, go to your siblings. If you don't have siblings, try to find good company, good friends. If your friends are the ones that are bad, find good friends. If you're doing something to yourself and it's to you, stay busy. Stay busy with good people, stay busy with going to lecture, stay busy with just whatever it is. It's not a cookie cutter. It's different for everybody. 

Shehla Faizi: No, there is no one solution for it. 

Belal Elkadri: There's no one solution. I think for me, it took a lot of cleansing. It took a lot of different areas to cleanse to where I got to the point of like, “I'm stable now. I'm good now.” Some stuff I didn't tell my mom or dad, who did I lean on? I leaned on God. There was addictions that I had that-- after I started practicing that I had to cope with and still stuff that I'm still residual, it's struggle. 

Shehla Faizi: Right. It’s a struggle. That's what people don't understand. 

Belal Elkadri: It's a process. It's not going to happen overnight. 

Shehla Faizi: Just because you find God, everything becomes okay is not how that works. 

Belal Elkadri: No. It's not perfect. 

Shehla Faizi: No.

Belal Elkadri: It's not perfect. That's the thing. Even when people accept the religion of Islam, they throw books in their faces, “You got to stop eating this. You got to start wearing this.”

Shehla Faizi: Yeah.

Belal Elkadri: No. When you look at the Prophet Muhammad's stories of when he would talk to companions, there were people that were like, “I'm not going to do this.” He's like, “Okay.” And then there's one companion where he's like, “Give me six months to think about Islam.” He's like, “Okay.” There's people that are like, “We're going to become Muslim, but we want to make sure whoever is going to govern us is going to be from our people.” They're making the rules. The Prophet's like, “Okay.” And then they’re like, “But we don't want to pay Zakat.” He's like, “No, you have to pay Zakat.” “We don't want to pray.” “No, you have to pray.” “We want to keep our idol for a few years, or someone else destroys them. Someone else is going to do--" So, it's not like you have to change your life right away. You start baby steps. 

Shehla Faizi: Yeah. Baby steps to all of these things. The other thing is, and I'm glad you mentioned it. It's because, again, mental health awareness is, I think, key to a lot of things. As you'd said, when you started getting off the diet pills, there was a void, but there was also withdrawals, there's depression. Again, it is going into deeper and darker places. That is one of those aspects, again, people don't quite understand is that there's a whole linkage about mental health issues, and how to treat them before, how to recognize them before, before it becomes to a point where you're standing there and you're ready to end it all because the darkness is too much. It is all consuming. 

I know because I've been there. Again, even though I'm a daughter of a psychiatrist, I didn't know how to recognize signs of anxiety and depression, because nobody talks about it. It's not just about feeling sad. There's so many other things that exist in that. And then when you're in that dark place and the only thing that snaps out of it is your children fighting outside your bathroom door, that's not the time when you're supposed to be realizing that I need to get mental help and probably need to get on some medication. 

Belal Elkadri: You know what? Yesterday, I didn't sleep-- I've been having this very bad habit of scrolling right before bed. 

Shehla Faizi: [giggles] 

Belal Elkadri: YouTube Shorts.

Shehla Faizi: You and the rest of us. [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah. Once every like four months, and this isn't backbiting because everything's out there, but FouseyTube always would pop up on my feed. I'm like, “This guy, he goes up, he goes down, he crashes.” His journey is just all over the place. He starts up, he has all this money, and then he just crashes, and then he goes into mental health, all these things. He's using drugs, Muslim, all these things. And I'm like, “This guy's back again.” I couldn't sleep till like 02:00 in the morning, I'm watching this podcast about him. As I'm reading the comments, people are forgiving. This guy did all of these wrong things. He messed up so many times in life and he's having another comeback story. People are forgiving, people forget, people move on. 

At first, bad things happen, when you're in the darkness, there's always going to be light. There will always be light. Don't think that there won't be. There will always be light. I promise you. As someone that lived it, there's always light. You just have to find it. And people are forgiving. My mom, oh, man, the things that I've done, things that I've said, I'm surprised that she still calls me and says, “Why didn’t you call me today?” So, people are forgiving and there's always comeback story for-- [crosstalk]  

Shehla Faizi: Again, it also depends. 

Belal Elkadri: It depends. Yeah.

Shehla Faizi: It's not a general thing, brother Belal. Another thing, and it also varies between genders as well. 

Belal Elkadri: Of course.

Shehla Faizi: I'm going to be straight about this. Men are forgiven a lot more than women are. Our indiscretions are taken a lot heavier than the indiscretions of men. 

Belal Elkadri: I agree. 

Shehla Faizi: So, if I was suppose having the life that-- I don't know. I'm very boring. Let's pretend that I had a very exciting, and out there wild kind of life, and I was on the internet, the internet would not be very forgiving of my indiscretions. Let's be honest about this. That's the thing. When you exist with so much pressure, it doesn't matter who it is, especially when you're young. You come out, and you make confession, you have people's judgment on it. Going into that dark place is very easy when you have literally thousands of people hating on you for-- It could be literally anything that you have the hijab on and you're maybe partying in a club. I don't know. Again, I'm just making all these scenarios up, but you have 10 billion people saying that you're not a real Muslim and you should go kill yourself. 

Especially, I've seen this. Not for myself particularly. But for other women who may not be as conforming, they have these hate things and then you're like, “Maybe I should. Everybody hates me. This is a dark place. Maybe I should kill myself. Nobody loves me anyway.” It's a very easy path to go down under. I think that's the thing. Especially, existing in those dark spaces, it's important to remember, as you'd said, that you can't be living for other people and other people's validation. And that's a hard lesson to learn, and you learn it with time. But if you're existing for only the validation, especially for people who are a religious of God and how he teaches, then everything else becomes secondary. But again, it is still hard when you're on that journey alone a lot of the times. That's the hard bit.

I think, point of all of this, the point of what you do in the services you provide through your lectures, through your inspirational talks, is that we need to create community that is supportive of people who are inherently flawed. We're all inherently flawed, all of us, without exception. 

Belal Elkadri: 100%. Islam is not for people that are perfect. Jannah is filled with sinners. Jannah is filled with sinners. Paradise is filled with people that made mistakes and people that have done wrong. You may think you're the worst of the worst, but that's what Islam does. It gives you structure, it gives you balance, it gives you meaning to life. Alhamdulillah, I think that the sooner you realize that your life has a purpose and you just start discovering what that purpose is, things open up, when you start relating your story to people that you think are superheroes. 

Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, he had every reason to be sad. He was an orphan before he was even born. His mother died at the age of six. His grandfather died at the age of eight. He was a single father of four girls when his wife passed away after 25 years. His uncle, who protected him, died a month later. He had a whole year of sorrow where one entire city threw rocks on him for three miles and he didn't even pick up a rock. He was tortured, he was choked, he had meat thrown on him, he had feces thrown at his door. But when you study Sira and Sunnah, nobody smiled more than the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam. You think that your life is bad. I'm not comparing your life with anyone's life, but everyone goes through and processes things bad. But you think that you look at the Prophet Muhammad, you think he's a superhero. He's a person, he has feelings, he cried, he was vulnerable. 

When you see your life and you see how God elevates the lives of those that are vulnerable, you see an outlet, you see relatability, you see connection. As soon as you just dive into whatever you're going through, Islam has a connection to-- okay, disability, look at Prophet Musa’s life. He had a lisp and he used to get mocked by that lisp. That lisp saved his life at the hands of pharaoh. That lisp elevated Harun to become a prophet. He's just a person with a disability to [unintelligible [01:08:02] had all the money in the world. It doesn't matter if you have Bugattis, it doesn't matter if you're a millionaire. Your relationship with God is the most important thing in the world, because that's going to connect you to be a better husband. Because you're not being a better husband for your wife, you're being a better husband because God has blessed you with this person. Because the Prophet Muhammad says this is how you treat the wife. 

The Prophet Muhammad says that, “If you give up an argument, God will build you a home in the middle of paradise.” It's not a horizontal thing at relationship anymore. It's like, I'm going to give up and sacrifice my anger and not yell at you, not become an abusive husband, not become whatever, because I want a vertical relationship right now with God, and I'm disconnecting whatever this is for something in the next life because I know that's better, that all of these are just tests. Islam gives you a guideline of how to react when you're sad, how to react when you're dealing with problems with your spouse, how to react when you're having difficulties with your kids, how to react when you're dealing with financial issues. There's always something that brings you back to the center of everything, which is God and your purpose. When you disconnect from this world, everything else looks so much brighter in the next.

Shehla Faizi: So, final parting thoughts, and I'm just going to put this into two categories. For young people, it doesn't matter what age they are, whatever they may be struggling with-- You had a very particular struggle. But again, times have changed. Kids these days struggle with different things and different pressures that they exist with. It's hard, especially for 12 years, 13 years, 14 years. Me particularly, I was still playing with sticks and mud at that age. I didn't have all these complexities in my life. These kids have a lot of complexity in their lives and they're struggling. They really are. What advice do you have for them that--? Yeah, it seems all shiny on the internet, but it's always better to be who you are. 

Belal Elkadri: My best advice for anyone is knowing that they're not alone. Every single person has problems. What you see on social media, it's a percent of their life and it's always to be edited. I've seen so many people on Instagram that they look like they're having the best relationship in their life, and then all of a sudden, you find that they're the fakest people in the world. I remember this couple that they were doing like Ruqyah and all of this stuff, and then they're partying, and it's all a show. And it's like, “What?” There was something recently of this guy who's showing how to be a loving husband, and then there's domestic violence that's involved behind the scenes that gets-- Everything's fake. You see people that are living life and they're like, “Yeah, don't go to college. Just do this, do this, and invest in an LLC. And you wake up and boom, you're going to be a gazillionaire.” It’s a very few people. 

There's going to be struggle in life. That's a part of growing. Growth means that you're stepping outside of your boundaries, you're stepping outside of your comfort zone to grow. Growth comes with struggle. Allah does not put up on a soul more than it can bear. When you go to the gym, you lift just enough to get stronger each and every day, and God does that to your soul and to your heart. He gives you just enough so it could be stronger, so it could better for when you're growing. You're always growing. Growing is going to be pain. It's going to be struggle, and that's a part of things. When you look at the story of Musa Alaihis Salam, there's struggle. But it got to the point where he freed the people of Bene Israel from the pressure of Harun. 

When you look at Nuh Alaihis Salam, it took him 100 years to build that boat. It took Noah 100 years to build the ark. It takes struggle. He didn't know what he was doing. He wasn't a carpenter. He wasn't even a sailor. He was a shepherd. So, my advice to anyone is knowing, especially kids, you're not alone. Find out who you are and strive to be the best that you can be and find God and find yourself through the footprints and the stories of those that came before you and realize you're not alone that there's going to be struggle and growth and figuring out who you are. Teenage years especially, you're trying to be someone, but your soul is fighting with you. That's why a lot of kids are like that the way that they are because, A, they want to see what they see, but B, is who they really are. Just know that you're not alone in that.

Shehla Faizi: Second parting advice to parents. Again, raising kids as hard as it is. When they discover something that they're like, “I don't know what this is. I've never dealt with this in my life or nobody in my family has ever dealt with this in my life. What do I do?” 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah, same thing. You're not alone. The first reaction is, “Oh, man, what do I do?” 

Shehla Faizi: Yeah.

Belal Elkadri: My kid wets the bed and the first reaction is “Why?” Imagine you keep doing that. Your kid's going to come to you when everything is garbage. When they're in jail, they won't come to you the first step, they'll come to you when it's already too late. So, your reaction to a lot of the things that they do, it's a testimony of the type of parent you are, but also the type of child that you're raising. If your reaction to anytime something bad happens, especially with your kid is anger, your kid is going to learn that, your kid's going to pick up on that. Just like you're saying, you got to be a model. Moses, when he's told to go to pharaoh, his initial reaction was like, “Rabbi ishrah lee sadree. Open up my chest for me. Make my task easy for me. Give me the tools that I need to take this task.” 

“We get a leak in our roof and now all of a sudden, we got to do this and we got to--" “Oh, we got to do the kitchen, we got to do the windows,” all of these problems. “Rabbi ishrah lee sadree.” Make my task easy for me. Whatever Allah can take you to, He'll take you through. Whatever Allah will take you to, He'll take you through. Don't be like, why, why, why? Whatever Allah will take you to, He'll take you through. Look at every part of your life in the past, every transition, every bad moment that you had made you a better person. 

So, when it comes to raising your kids, you have to be understanding. You have to realize, this is your kid. You want them to keep coming to you because if not, they're going to go to their friends, they're going to go to the internet, they're going to get bad advice that at the end of the day is just going to hurt you in the end. So, you have to have an open mind. You have to realize that there's a lot of external things. You also have to realize that your kids could be doing anything in the world. If they're coming and they're like, “Yeah, I'm vaping, or I'm playing video games,” and you think that, “You got to get off your butt and do ab--” Bro, meet them where they're at. At least they're not doing hardcore drugs, talking to girls, and you know where they are, and they're not doing things behind your back, play video games with them, be their friend. Yeah, you can be a parent, but if playing-- [crosstalk] 

Shehla Faizi: Have fun with your child. 

Belal Elkadri: Have fun with your kid.

Shehla Faizi: I think that’s when you forget-- have fun with your kid. [laughs] 

Belal Elkadri: It's not like, “I'm a parent. You got to do what you're told.” It's, “Hey, you drop blocks on the floor, let me help you clean it up. I'm here for you.” “Oh, I noticed a couple of hours ago that you were patient with your brother. I want you to know I appreciate that.” I tell my kid I'm sorry all the time. “Hey, baba, I'm sorry, I yelled at you. I shouldn't have done that.” And now when he yells at me, he tells me sorry. 

Shehla Faizi: Yeah. 

Belal Elkadri: Then when I yell at him, he's like, “Baba, I know you just lost your patience. That's okay.” You have to be a model, just like you said. The only way to do that is to have an open mind and lead by example. 

Shehla Faizi: Right. Thank you so much, brother Belal, for talking to us about all the hard things. But that's why I have this Gift of the Gab segment, because there are certain things that need to be talked about before we can really come out with any solutions. I'm not saying that I'm providing any solutions, but it's just like a small step towards trying to figure out solutions to problems that do exist in the world. I am so grateful that you came on and discussed all of the things that you had gone through which are very hard. But it's important for people to know that it does exist. 

You can't sweep a drug addiction. You can't sweep mental health issues. You can't sweep suicidal ideation under the rug. It's not healthy. It's not something that should be done. We need to come face to face with it before we can really create solutions for it. I'm so grateful that you did. But please, before I let you go, tell my audience where they can find you your workshop, lectures, anything of the sort, how can they connect with you if they have a problem? 

Belal Elkadri: Yeah, definitely. No, I appreciate you and jazakallah khair for giving me the platform to speak about this. I've never, ever opened up in a platform like this. I've spoken a little bit about it in lectures and things of that nature. It's always been in Michigan. So, Inshallah, this touches someone's heart. I appreciate you giving me that platform. in terms of if anyone ever needs someone to talk to, advice, don't think that I'm bothering this guy or anything, I have people DMing me all the time, “Hey, I have a problem with this. I'm trying to find a spouse, and this is happening.” My only social media is Instagram and it's @yourbrotherbelal, B-E-L-A-L. @yourbrotherbelal. Shoot me a DM anytime you need anything, I'm very accessible. 

You can find more, a little bit more about me on my website, belalelkadri.com, B-E-L-A-L E-L-K-A-D-R-I dotcom. I have a YouTube page, but I rarely use it. But I have my playlist there of all of the khutbahs and lectures that I've ever done in the past 10 years. There's a series also about that I did with the Islamic Center of Detroit, My Mental Wellness Committee that they have, where I talked about prophetic parenting and prophetic family lessons. We talked about in-laws, we talked about how to find a spouse. So, there's some good playlists on there for anyone that's interested in wanting to dive more about certain things. 

Shehla Faizi: All those links are up on the screen. I'll put them in the show notes as well for people to access them at their convenience. Thank you, again, brother Belal, and thank you to everybody who's listened in and watched us on YouTube. Y'all, take care of yourself and your mental health and may peace be on you all. 

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Shehla Faizi: Thank you so much for tuning in to I'm A Muslim (And That's Okay!). And if you wish to follow my social media for more updates, you can follow me on Instagram, on Facebook and on YouTube. All the links to those are in the show notes. And if you are on Apple or on Spotify or on Podchaser, please do give my podcast a 5-star rating. It really does help to get in the public eye. And if you wish to donate to support the podcast, you can do so through the PayPal link in my show notes as well. Take care.