I Could Tell You Where I'm From (But It's Complicated) (Pt 1)

[I'm A Muslim (And That's Okay!) intro]

Shehla: Hi, everyone. May peace be on you all and welcome to another episode of my podcast, I'm A Muslim And That's Okay. 

So, disclaimer, this episode is prerecorded only because, by the time it publishes, I'll be at my sister's place over spring break. It's spring break in March in Texas, and probably other states too, I don't know. But I know in Texas because both my kids will be off and we'll be traveling to Atlanta, so yeah, and then my kids can visit my sister, they love my sister. And since it's spring break, children will be around me, there will be no chance that there will be any silence around me, like, literally no chance at all. Because even though they love my sister, they will be asking for something every, I don't know, 10 seconds, because that's just how it is when you have little kids and they always want something, I don't know what it is. I mean, that's the funny thing, I could be sitting there in front of them and for an entire hour, they don't want jack. And as soon as I go to the bathroom, it's barely been like two minutes, they'll be banging on the door outside going, "Mom, I need something." And I'm like, “What? Why, child? Why right now? Why do you need something, right now?” It's ridiculous. But that's how it is. 

So anyway, and since they'll be off that entire week, I mean, there will be no chance that I will get any silence around me. So, I thought I'd prerecord it and then you still get to hear the podcast. And I've been meaning to do this podcast for a while. I know I had mentioned about growing up in Pakistan, and I'll just give a little bit of-- I don't know if it'll be a short podcast because could be long, maybe I'll do a two episode, two parter, I don't know. I'll figure that out by the end of it. [chuckles] But anyway, so the thing is, for me, even though I was born in the US, I was born in Peoria, Illinois, and I am technically second-generation immigrant. I don't know if I should call myself an immigrant. I'm US citizen, I'm second generation. But my experiences are very much of those who are first generation. And there's a reason for that. 

And I think the reason I am narrating this is that I think people don't really understand that everyone who is from an immigrant background does not have the same story. I think the media portrays a certain narrative that, "Oh, somebody has come from a poor oppressed background and they escape that and come to the US for a better life" And for a lot of people-- and I'm not saying that isn't true, it is true for a lot of people, but it's not true for every one of us. 

If I had to put our story into perspective, my story and my family's I guess, I think my dad, he is a doctor, not practicing, but he is a doctor, he's a psychiatrist, and he did his pre-med in Pakistan. And at that time, he made the decision to do his residency in the US because I think he wanted more opportunities as a doctor than what I believe he could have found at that time, and this was the late 60s, that's what I'm talking about, late 1960s. So yeah, he wanted more of those opportunities. It's not that he came from a poor background. Both my grandparents were fairly well-off-middle class families. I think both my grandfathers were educated, as in that they had degrees and they had all their children educated as well, sent them to school. So, they were middle class, and it's not that there was a lack of anything that they needed, but my dad wanted more, I think. 

So, in the late 1960s, he came to the US, did his residency here, and early 70s, he was a young bachelor, 25 years old, and about time he got married, that sort of thing. [chuckles] I think that's what my paternal grandparents and that's a very common mindset in Pakistani culture that getting on, you must get married. When he came back in the early 70s, both my grandparents, maternal and paternal, sort of knew each other through-- and now this is where it gets tricky for me because not a lot of people know this, I'm not just Pakistani, and I'm not just from Karachi, I also have a subculture background. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents, they come from a very specific part of India. It's the state of Kerala. And in Kerala, which is from the south of India, during partition, they migrated to Pakistan, but they didn't speak the national language of Pakistan. They spoke either English or they spoke Malayalam. And my grandparents spoke Malayalam to one another. And my parents, my mother at least speaks it and my father understands it, so it was like that for them because they were born in Karachi, Pakistan. But my grandparents, in the beginning, they didn't speak a lot of Urdu because they didn't come from Urdu speaking backgrounds. And I think I lost my train of thought. [laughs] Sorry, that sort of happens. 

But the point is that because they came from the same part of the world, when you immigrate to a new place, and Karachi was technically a new place for my grandparents, you sort of stick to your community because you share cultural aspects and you know people from your own community, so my grandparents knew each other from the Malayali community, the small Malayali community that does still exist in Karachi. And they knew each other and they wanted to marry within it. This is a very common thing that does happen. And they knew each other, and my dad came in the early 70s, and my grandparents met, and my maternal grandparents, they said, "Oh yes, fine educated boy, let's get them married." [laughs] So, early 70s, my parents got married, and both of them then they moved back to the US. 

Now, here's the thing. At that time, early 70s, immigration to the US was not as complicated as it is right now. I mean, from what my parents say, you could easily apply for visas, especially for spouses and green cards and it was not tricky, there was no hoops to jump through. And my mother got her green card as soon as she got married and came here. There was no extensive waiting, profiling, fingerprinting and all that jazz. And they used to say that there would be agents coming to their door and saying, "Oh, do you want to bring the rest of your family in? And you just get in touch with us." 

When I think about it right now, that's insane, literally there would be no way that I could, if I had family, I wanted to sponsor some family back in Pakistan, I mean, if there was direct family, I couldn't, I can't do it right now, but they could easily do it. And at that time, that's what my mother did, she also sponsored her brothers to come and so they could get a good education over here. And all four of her brothers, through that sponsorship, came here to the US and became naturalized citizen and they've been living here for a long time now, over 30 years, easily, I think over 30 years, I would say. And they have their families here living here for years, but now, something like that would be unimaginable. 

So, yeah, my parents got married, they moved over here, they came to Missouri, and after a little while, after my dad was done with his residency and he got his first job in Peoria, Illinois, and moved there, that's where I was born. And this was from the early 70s to the early 80s, they lived in the US. All three of us were born here. First my sister, my brother, and then me, in 1982. And at that time, especially in a place like Peoria, it's not big. I've only been there like once or twice. I mean, it's not a big city, it's medium-sized city. But at that time, especially, there was not a whole lot of diversity in Peoria. There were some immigrant families, not a whole lot. 

And it was a tricky time, I think to raise children, especially if you come from immigrant backgrounds with not a whole lot of people whom you could culturally relate to. And I think for a lot of minorities, especially immigrant minorities, that is something that they do hold dear because there is a sort of an itch, and I can only call it an itch because you grow up in a certain culture and environment and then you move to another one. And I'm not saying that my parents didn't have friends that were not Pakistani or of Indian background. They had a lot of friends because my dad would work there, he had lots of work colleagues, lots of friends there and I know that I've met them, they were very dear friends to my parents, but it's sort of like there are certain aspects of our culture and our backgrounds that people who are not from that culture can't relate to or won't be able to understand. I think my parents felt that very heavily at that time, especially under those circumstances where they would not be able to impart upon us the importance of coming from a Pakistani background or its uniqueness as well if we were raised over here. 

So, I think at that time, in 1985, my parents made the difficult decision to leave everything that they had in the US and go back to Pakistan because my entire family was there at that time. I mean this was before my uncles, my mother's brothers came to the US to study. Everybody else from my family was back in Pakistan. I mean name any uncle, aunts, grandparents, everybody, they were there in Pakistan, but my parents were the only one in the US. And it's hard, it becomes very lonely, especially with the US so big. I mean even if they did have family in the US, they would be really far apart. And that's one of the things that I sort of miss. When I was growing up in Pakistan, our family was always very close by. I mean maybe half an hour's drive, you could go to anybody and you always have tons of cousins to play with and mess around with and make noise, have fun, that sort of thing. 

So, my parents moved back in 1985. And my sister, she's older than I am and she was much older when we moved back and she has memories of being in the US, but I don't. All my earliest memories are from Pakistan, and I don't remember a time when I was not in some uncle's house playing with some cousin or messing around with a large number of our family around us. I can't remember a time before that. And so, I grew up there. I was there from 1985 onwards until 2007, yeah, that's when I got married. But I've done all my education from there. If I had to do an equivalence did my high school, I guess. I hesitate to call it high school because we don't have 12 grades. I mean some places you have 10 grades and then some places you have 11 grades. I did like the 11th grade system which is called the O-level system, it's the British system anyway. And then I did my 2 years of-- let me call it pre-college, so I don't know how to translate it. It's called A-levels. Again, another British examination, one of the presents left behind by colonization. We got the British education system as a gift. I'm not complaining. It's a good standard of education, but it doesn't translate to the US system. 

At that time especially, my mom really wanted one of us to be a doctor. I mean, I don't know if any of you are aware, but if you ever encounter any people from Pakistan/India, you will know that a majority of them are either doctors, engineers, or in IT, because [chuckles] I don't know what it is, but a lot of Pakistani-Indian parents have this mindset that those are the jobs to get into, it's “respectable” and makes a lot of money and all that. My mom especially, she wanted to be a doctor, she couldn't be a doctor at that time, but she wanted us to be a doctor. But [chuckles] I don't think that any one of us really had that inclination. So, I've done my premed. Those two years of extra of college in the middle, I did all my premed subjects, but I was always the one that was artistically inclined. I was heavily into illustrating, drawing, animation that was always my thing, but at that time, when I was growing up, those were not viable subjects that I could pursue in school, especially. Now it's different, and I'm so glad it is, they do offer extensive art subjects in school, which is great, but at that time they didn't. 

So, I did my premed and I was all set to go into some random, I don't know, science subject. It was not going to be med school, and my mom was so disappointed when it wasn't. But then I got my big break, and when I was in university, they started offering-- at least they started department of visual arts. And I was like, "This is where I'm going right now." And I signed up, I enrolled, and I did my bachelor's in graphic design. And that's how the art side of me got its outlet. Those four years, I mean, I thoroughly enjoyed them. And after four years, I got my bachelor's degree. 

And again, it was a tricky time in Pakistan, art subjects really did not have a lot of-- how should I put it? Job outlets. I mean it would be hard for me to get a job. But as soon I graduated, I was fortunate enough, one of my professors, he said, "There is a job in an advertising agency." I was like, "Hey, I'll go for it and I'll do it, I've got my bachelors in graphic design," like might as well start with that. And that's what I did, for two years just before I got married, I worked in advertising and it was-- At that time, I really, really-- I don’t even really know how to describe it, but it was like, I loved working so much. It's the fact that you, especially in advertising that when you-- I used to be a creative conceptualizer and a copywriter as well. And I did a little bit of marketing journalism. What you create, you send out there into the world and you can see it and it's an amazing feeling that you can see other people look at it and really get something from it, and I really, really enjoyed that, but two years in and-- this was-- oh, gosh-- like early 2007. I was about how old? I don't-- gosh, I can't even remember back that far anyway, [laughs] I'm old.

No, I was 25. Yes, I think, I was like 24-25 anyway. And same spiel as my dad, “You're getting on, must find a nice man, get married,” that sort of thing. [laughs] And here's the thing, culturally, in Pakistan, especially at that time, you can say, religious norms, dating was not a thing still-- Well, I can't say still anymore, like honestly if I had to. But dating was not a thing and it was not something I was going to pursue anyway. Again, I'm not here passing judgements on anybody, like literally, nobody. But it was not something that I was like going to do, it's hard to explain, but that's how I've always been. 

Yeah, I really can't see myself [chuckles] really. When you see it in movies, you're like, "This is too much effort. I don't think I can work with this. Okay." And a lot of people would be assuming that I had an arranged marriage. And I hate that term only because it sets up an image in your mind that I was forced to marry somebody, but I wasn't. I think the better term for it is that what exists in Pakistan, and again, it's not a perfect system, but it's a matchmaking system, it's that sort of thing. And so, what happens is is that families need and they sort of come with, I guess, what they would like to have in a boy/girl and the matchmakers themselves then match them out according to what each and every family or is like, "Oh, I want a boy who's like this, this, who has this qualification like this and that." And then the other side would be like, "I want a girl who has this, this qualification such and such." And then the matchmaker would bring them together according to that. 

And then if they like each other, then they go forward with marriage and stuff like that. And then that's how it was at that time. I don't know if it's changed much or not, but that's how it was when I was growing up over there, and that's how I experienced it. And again, it's not a perfect system only because-- I guess this is similar in dating as well, you do encounter a lot of weirdos. I mean, woo, the stories I could tell about that woo. [chuckles] But even without the dating, I've got some of my own horror stories. But after going through a lot of, I guess, encountering a lot of frogs, we finally, me and my family and my husband's family were matched together again through the matchmaker system. And it was decided that it would work out, that sort of thing. And 2007 we got married. 

My husband, he's a physician and he was applying for residency over there, so after we got married, we moved to the US because, then it would make the process easier because he was applying for residency there as well, so that is the time. After a good, oh, gosh, being in Pakistan for over 20 years, growing up there, I then experienced the US again for the first time in 2007. And it wasn't like I hadn't been to the US in the middle. My parents had brought us in 1996, that was the first time, I was 14 then, they brought us to the US just to take us around. We did a huge road trip by car without the GPS and my mom would have this huge map out and they'd be navigating, like exits and which highways to take. It was a lot of fun and went all across the US, from the East Coast to the West Coast and it was good fun. We saw a lot of things in the US. But this was 1996, and again, I came in 2001 when my sister had already been married and she also moved to the US. And she was expecting her first baby and that's the second time I came. But most of these times I came as a tourist. I mean, it's weird, but that's how it was, even though I was born in the US. But every time I visited, I came in as a tourist. 

And it was only after 2007 that I really, really lived here and experienced life in the US, so that is why in the beginning I said that even though I'm second-generation American citizen, my experiences after 2007 were very much like being first generation. So, I've been going at it for almost half an hour, but so I'll continue on in my next episode, which I'll air next week after I come back from spring break. And I'll delve in deeper about how my experience then in the US. Again, this is a completely different time from when my parents were in the US. And how it was as a second-generation/first-generation immigrant to the US, so until then, may peace be on you all and have a great day. 

[I'm A Muslim (And That's Okay!) theme]

Thank you so much for tuning in to I'm A Muslim And That's Okay. And if you wish to follow my social media for more updates, you can follow me on Instagram, on Facebook and on YouTube. All the links to those are in the show notes. And if you are on Apple or on Spotify or on Podchaser, please do give my podcast a five-star rating. It really does help get me in the public eye. And if you wish to donate to support the podcast, you can do so through the PayPal link in my show notes as well. Take care.